“As she walked away she turned to catch one last glimpse of his face - the sun shining around him so perfectly that it looked as if he wore an halo. ‘Quite fitting’, she thought to herself, ‘He was always such an angel to me.’ A single tear softly caressed her cheek, ‘But it’s okay…. He might not want me, but that doesn’t mean that somebody else won’t.’ A hopeful grin started to appear upon her face as she slowly lifted her eyes from the pavement - up towards the clouds.”

I may not personally be religious, but I’m all for people having their own beliefs and opinions. However, when you start preaching that God hates gays - that is when I draw the line. Firstly - who do you think you are that you think it’s okay to get involved in other people’s personal lives, especially when it has nothing to do with you - leave them alone, it’s none of your business, they aren’t hurting anyone. Secondly - who are you to say that it wasn’t God himself that created the gay community? Maybe he did so because the world had become so over-populated that there isn’t an even ratio of men and women - maybe he wanted everyone to have a chance at love. Lastly - who is God more likely to condemn? - You for spreading hateful and unknowledged judgments and persecuting people simply for loving each other? Or them for sharing their love with one another???? Think about it…. Rant over.

Sometimes the urges become too much,
Longing for that cold sharp touch,
With sudden hopeless daydreams,
It’s much harder than it seems,
Trying not to fall back in,
To putting that blade against my skin,
Distractions become all I know,
Not to let this battle show,
Hope someday I’ll shine above it all,
Forever stopping myself from the fall….

So things are going well. Finally seem to be on the right track. Been taking a Self-Defense Class, only one week left. Also started an Art Class and have met some lovely people with similar issues. Travel Training is going well. Been discharged from Psychology for the time being to see how I cope with skills and techniques I’ve learned without help. So far so good. Sure I still have down days and erratic days and sometimes I feel like self harming or feel suicidal, but I’m able to cope with it now. Able to ride it out, distract myself, keep going until it passes. Something I wouldn’t have been able to do a couple of months ago.

Looking back, I couldn’t have imagined having made so much progress since this time last year. To think, only a couple of short months ago I was on my death bed (self inflicted). Heck, I still think of trying again from time to time. The difference now is I’m excited to see what the future brings. I’m doing everything in my power to live a good life, to get better, to be the best person I can be, to love myself. All of this is easier and much more worthwhile now that I know I have support and understanding from a few close people. Something that’s important for each and every one of us. 

Also started going back to the gym and eating healthy. It feels great. Looking into starting Psychology A Levels as well and looking for part time work. Have an Open Day at the College soon. Really looking forward to it all. 

Oh yeah, and my brother and his wife finally got in contact after two years of not speaking to us (following my first major manic episode before I was diagnosed). Their daughter was born on New Years Eve and I got a text from them on New Years Day with pictures etc. We’ve been texting ever since. What a great way to start off the new year! 

So, all in all, everything is looking up at the moment! Which is wonderful! 

Thank you to all of you who read this!

<3

xXxOxXx

“What does love feel like?”, he asked.
“Love? Well, dear friend, love…. Well, it’s one of the most confusing and misunderstood things someone can experience in life. It can make you feel strong, but yet, somehow, weak at the very same time. It can make you feel extremely hopeful, but at the same time equally hopeless. You see, we don’t get to choose who we fall in love with, it chooses us, it just sort of happens. When it’s mutual it’s one of the most beautiful and magical things you can ever hope to experience, but sometimes it’s not mutual…. and you can try to run from it, to distance yourself from it, but no matter how hard you try to ignore it, it won’t simply just go away. Don’t let that bring you down though, because there isn’t just one person you could potentially love in this world. There are plenty of, as they say, “fish in the sea”. So don’t give up, and don’t ever back down. One day you will find that special someone who wants to share their love and their life with you, and, when you do, you’ll see exactly what I’ve been talking about.”

There’s a storm on the streets, but you still don’t run
Watching and waiting for the rain to come.
And these words wouldn’t keep you dry
Or wipe tears from an open sky,
But I know, but I know, but I know I’m right.

And I won’t let you drown, when the water’s pulling you in
I’ll keep fighting, I’ll keep fighting.
The rain’s going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning- 
I see lightning-

When the World surrounds you, I’ll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining.
I will try to save you, cover up the grey
With silver lining.

Now there’s no way back from the things you’ve done
I know it’s too late to stop the setting sun.
You see the shadows in the distant light,
And it’s never going to be alright
And you know, and you know, and you know I’m right.

And I won’t get left behind, when the walls come tumbling in
I’ll keep climbing, I’ll keep climbing
The rain’s going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning- 
I see lightning-

When the World surrounds you, I’ll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining
I will try to save you, cover up the grey
With silver lining.

Silver, silver, silver, silver, silver, silver lining,
Deep blue sky, deep blue sky.

“Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else.”
– Judy Garland

I can’t sleep now, no, not like I used to
I can’t breathe in and out like I need to
It’s breaking ice now to make any movement
What’s your vice? You know that mine’s the illusion

And all at once (as I’m trying) I can help you out (just to keep things right)
I’ll be what you need (I kill myself to make everything perfect for you)
Goodbye apathy, so long apathy

So don’t sit still, don’t you move away from here
So goodbye apathy (as I’m trying), so long fancy free (just to keep things right)
Goodbye apathy (I kill myself to make everything perfect for you)
I don’t wanna be you

I don’t walk right, not like I used to
There’s a jump in my step as I rush to see you
I could be happy here as long as you’re near to me
As long as you’re close to me

Now that I’m alright (as I’m trying) I can help you out (just to keep things right)
I’ll be what you need (I kill myself to make everything perfect for you)
Goodbye apathy, goodbye apathy

So don’t you stop pushing me, I can take so much
So goodbye apathy (as I’m trying), so long fancy free
(just to keep things right)
Goodbye apathy (I kill myself to make everything perfect for you)
I don’t wanna be… you…

Everybody is watching you, everybody is watching me too ….